Writing has always been helpful for me. I’ve spent some of my most memorable moments sitting over a keyboard pouring out my emotions to a captive audience of none. Most of the stuff I wrote got deleted in a fit of paranoia but some of it might live on for awhile more.
I went to church today, its not the right fit for me, its for Young Adults and I feel like an old soul. Everyone there seems to be more concerned with something else, i cant quite tell what it is, and the pastor tries really hard to be funny all the time which i find tiring even after just one sermon. Maybe because I’ve been reading and writing jokes a lot since before 2011.
My Playing Cards are going really well. I just need to fix a few of them that have incorrect margins. I really hope I dont get in trouble for selling them. That would be a big bummer cause i want it to be a cool project that helps strengthen the community.
I feel super lonely, and people arent really helping. Which isn’t a great place to be. A couple help, one or two in particular, but i feel like I’m being a bother all the time, like my attention is unwanted when i know thats not true, or so i’ve been told.
There’s a scab on my dick from going at it too hard for too long. My endurance is really annoying sometimes, I’ve never ejaculated in front of anyone in person, despite having had sex a few times. I guess I’ve just always had stuff going on in my head, and its been over 2 years since i’ve ever had intimate contact with anyone. Which might explain my loneliness. I’d really like to cuddle someone but everyone is so pre-occupied with life there’s no time for Josh.
I really hope i can find a few people to share my life with. the dream is to meet a girl that is okay with me having boyfriends and enjoys group sex. Ideally someone who could introduce me to that world, or explore it for the first time with me.
I quit smoking weed, it wasnt good for my brain, i was paranoid when i didnt need to be about things that didnt matter. I wish i could go into more detail about that but i dont feel comfertable enough on this blog yet.
I keep telling everyone i’m 90% better than i was a year ago which i dont think anyone even knows what i mean, it was such a personal thing and I had so many secrets about my mental state. Basically i thought everyone knew who i was, and was reading my stuff but didnt like it. I thought people wanted me dead. i thought so much crap about the world, and I thought everyone thought i was crap. which ultimetly is just a reflection of how i felt about myself. but i wasnt strong enough to admit that i felt that way about myself so i projected it onto strangers, when i would get a funny look on the skytrain i assumed that person knew about my tweets and didnt like something i had to say, or a joke i told. It got so bad i would walk up to strangers and start conversations as if they had seen something i had posted. it was messed up.
when i called 911 i was really scared. I thought the police knew who i was, and I thought they had a file on me. Which they didn’t. I thought i was gonna go to jail for petty crimes i had commited like torrenting films and software. I thought when i arrived at the hospital there were going to be cameras and reporters, but none of that happened. I just had to wait to see a doctor and he diagnosed me with Psychosis. I thought i was like some special sleeper agent that was about to be activated or something, it was not fun. Then i had to spend weeks in the pych ward while they monitored me and made sure my medication was going to be working. I thought i was going to get in major trouble if i even walked out the doors of the place so i smoked a ciggerete in my common bathroom (Shared with 4 other guys) the nurse came after i finished the first one and slammed on the door super mad. aparently thats not allowed. I thought everything was a test. Like i had to somehow win the day. the ward had a certain smell and taste to it, somtimes if i think real hard i can remember what it was like, but its kinda foggy. I thought i was being monitored really heavily, but none of that was happening.