Chronicling the pandemic Part 2

Lonely days

they’re starting to blur into one

Lonely nights

I fear this apocalypse has just begun

I’ve been spending most days indoors at home

Saw my family from a safe distance recently

i’m growing really tired of doing nothing all day

i feel bad for so many people who’s lives have ended due to this virus

I go for rides on my skateboard again

its been months since i stopped boarding so my threshold for activity is drastically diminished

I wanna come out of this with great stories to tell

unfortunately now all i have is isolation and brief contact with someone out in the community

i fear they’re getting too risky with their activities

i fear they’ll spread it to me

i fear spending 2 weeks alone in my room.

that much time with no change in scenery would drive even the most sane person mad.

I wanna be better about this whole thing.

the PM gets on his soap-box almost every day now urging Canadians to stay home and distance themselves

Everyone seems to ovoid even the most basic travel,  the streets are dead.

I don’t know how long this will last

how long can the grocery stores bar entrance to so few at a time

how long can we all be apart

i miss my friends

We used to have the best chats

I really wanna do something special when this is all over but i fear i’ll get back into my same routine

2019 was a good year,  looking back there’s plenty of things i would’ve done differently if given the opportunity.

How has your quarantine been going?  Mine’s been extremely hard,  lacking in variety and extremely lonely.  I think i’m handling it well but its hard to say for sure

The voices have been amplifying my own thoughts and its been really hard to deal with

its impossible to show what its really like

I don’t know what to do,  they’re back after being gone for months

its such a strange predicament to be in,  half the time you spend thinking about how strange life is without the voices and then they come back full force

I would be lonely without them,  and now im so frustrated with them.

they’re not commanding,  i never feel like i need to do anything they direct.

heck, they never even tell me anything i don’t already know

i try really hard to get them to stop

writing about them is so hard because everything in writing feels so final

its like signing the seal to everyone and no-one at the same time.

The amplification; for clarity’s sake,  is kinda like having a delay on your own thoughts

like sitting in a room of a dozen people all chanting what you’ve already said in your mind

making each thought a moment,  often for minutes at a time with no break

the options during this time are to either embrace the echo or run (in your mind) so fast so far so hard that you out-pace it.

embracing it looks like allowing the waves of thought to crash over you like the ocean and continue thinking new things.

Out-pacing the thoughts looks like what im doing now,  writing down what i’m thinking and listening to music to drown out them.

(Also my experience is my own and all i know so kindly log off the internet if you’re here to cast dispersions on my life,  thank you.)

My paranoia (psychosis) is almost gone tho.  the occasional blip of thinking the world is out to get me,  but as we previously discussed,  it kinda is.

so maybe its better after all to be a little cautious

the lines are so blurred now

I’m in a generally good mood.  My depression is such that there’s things i’d rather not do,  like editing video for different projects,  but other than that i’m pretty solid right now in terms of mood

My Anxiety is high

I feel at always alert

waiting for the next symptom

hoping im not infected

ensuring that if im a carrier that i wash my hands before and after touching anything

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