i’ve spent a lot of time sweating over a keyboard, imagining worlds that don’t exist, creating moments of joy in a ceaseless reality and documenting my thoughts. I like to think people enjoy seeing me post on their timelines, i mean they do follow me afterall but lately I’ve noticed a steady decline in what Social Media experts might call “outreach” or “growth”. I’ve noticed it declining for a few months now, maybe even over a year despite my best attempts to remain posting on a predictable schedule with content that feels true to my “brand”. It’s lead me to believe that people regard me with respect but don’t feel overwhelmed to express their glad tidings outwardly in any way other than unfollowing. I don’t really have any sort of idea on how to change the decline, rather I just ride it out with the mantra “it’s probably going to get worse before it gets better”. Maybe I’ll never reach the acclaim I see my contemporaries reaching. I still look up to some of my original joke writers from the very beginning. They seem to be getting book deals and generally increasing their brands while I stay stagnant. There are a select few who continue to show me when I do something they like, but generally I get very few indications that what I’m doing is worth anything to anyone. I’m not looking for pity, I just feel it important to document this moment right now where I am. I do feel toxic, I feel it when my attempts at social connection only make people like me less. Every day I’m shown who my friends are (and who isn’t). Its not about numbers or money, clicks or kind words. Its not even about having people read what I have to say, I just seem to be lacking something. Maybe the formula won’t ever reveal itself, but I really think I’ve been honing a craft for over 6 years now and I don’t feel like its gonna stop any time soon. Be expecting more from me, maybe not right away, but I’ve got a couple ideas rattling around that I think other people might really enjoy. I take a lot of self-gratification from my ability to cohesively express whats going on in my life, I think its one of my best qualities, even if its not appreciated in this moment in the way it could.