COMMANDER: Houston, we have a problem. H: Go ahead. C: Lieutenant Evans is as cute as a button and I just can’t concentrate. EVANS: tee hee

— Todd Williams (@TheToddWilliams) November 23, 2014

[w/ daughter at store] "Honey pls lift ur feet when u walk." *she stops, looks down, looks up* But daddy if I lift my feet, I'd float away.

— Hoppers (@FrogAvalanche) January 10, 2015

[1st date] "I'm really into roll playing," I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

— Batkaren (@batkaren) February 14, 2015

@constantlyjosh I cut a worm in two and now he's his own best friend!

— gary ferrari (@76_dicks) March 13, 2015

[Paris Hilton strutting around Beverly Hills with a wildebeest hanging out of her purse]

— Wylde de Beest (@flashember) July 17, 2014

i like to think the little microbes on my eyelashes are having a party right now wearing little microbe party hats and eating microbe cake

— Ⓞ'ⒻⓇⓄ ⓋⓄ (@fro_vo) February 7, 2014

Jelly Fish pic.twitter.com/ESu19b2lSW

— Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) February 16, 2015

Nothing is as cute as a childs curiousity. Like when they ask homeless people where their teeth are.

— Johnny Dermatology (@Dr_awfulpants) June 24, 2011

"Sing us a song, you're the piano man," the crowd exhorted. "I'm the pianissimo man," he corrected, but no one heard him.

— Lord Pinky (@HiddenPinky) February 8, 2015

[job interview] What is your greatest talent? "Coming up with nicknames." What would you call me? "Puffin bear." D'awww, you're hired.

— Pin Up Teacher (@pinupteacher) March 9, 2015